One of the problems that everybody faces in life is how to deal with other people with whom he shares a "partnership," whether a brother, parents, wife, friend, student or rav. Problems and tensions often arise because people do not know how to deal properly with each other. The Torah, in Parshat Va'era, gives us guidance in this regard, both in situations of success and in situations of failure.

An example of an unsuccessful "relationship" is Moshe's initial meeting with Bnei Yisrael. The Torah writes, "Moshe spoke accordingly to Bnei Yisrael; but they did not heed Moshe, because of shortness of breath and hard work." (Shemot 6:10) Yet, Moshe attributes their disregard to his speech impediment and concludes that certainly Pharaoh won't listen to him: Moshe spoke before Hashem, saying, "Behold, Bnei Yisrael have not listened to me, so how will Pharaoh listen to me? And I have sealed lips!" (6:11) This, however, was not a valid kal vachomer argument, since Moshe's basis was that Bnei Yisrael ignored him because people could not understand him, which was incorrect! Bnei Yisrael were not able to listen to Moshe because they were tired. It was primarily their fault that Moshe was unable to connect with them properly.

The answer is that the narrative of the Torah provides an objective view, that the people did not listen because they were tired. Moshe, however, as a good teacher and good leader, subjectively blamed himself for the failure. He thought that had he been a better orator, perhaps they would have listened. From his perspective, he justly concluded that certainly Pharaoh would not listen to him! So too, a teacher who is having difficulty with his class should not say, "What kind of class do I have!" Rather, he should focus on himself -- prepare better and try to make the class more interesting so that the students should want to listen regardless.

This principle is important in all facets of human relationships and in all stages of life. Sometimes a relationship fails and there is tension. For example, a team might suffer a defeat. A common attitude is just to yell, criticize and blame others. While often the faults that people state are correct, faulting others will not lead to solving the problem. The other person will just respond by shouting back and criticizing your faults, instead of correcting his. To solve the situation - blame yourself, see what YOU are doing wrong and correct your contribution to the failure. The other person will then also act accordingly, and work towards correcting his shortcomings. Instead, people commonly focus on the other person's faults, leading to fights and tension.

The rule is, each person should know his own pasuk. There are psukim that tell both a lender and a borrower how to behave. On the one hand, the Torah commands the lender, "When you lend money to My people, to the poor person who is with you, do not act toward him as a creditor." (Shemot 22:24) On the other hand, Tehillim teaches the borrower, "The wicked one borrows but repays not." (37:21) Ideally, the lender should avoid confronting the borrower, and the borrower should to his utmost to repay in a timely fashion. What often actually happens, though, is that each person "steals" the verse that was directed toward the other. The lender confronts the borrower, quoting the verse from Tehillim and demanding that he pay back. The borrower is forced to retort by quoting the verse in the Torah, pushing the lender off. This leads them to quarrel. Rather, each person should know his own verse. So, too, Moshe does not fault Israel for not listening, but takes the blame that he cannot influence others because his lips "are sealed," and had he been a better orator, perhaps they would have listened despite their hard work.

The same parsha, shortly afterwards, also provides an example of a relationship where the two individuals get along well (6:26-27):

This was the Aharon and Moshe to whom Hashem said: "Take Bnei Yisrael out of Egypt according to their legions." They were the ones who spoke to Pharaoh, king of Egypt, to take Bnei Yisrael out of the land of Egypt; this was the Moshe and Aharon.

The first pasuk mentions Aharon before Moshe, and the second mentions Moshe before Aharon. Rashi, quoting Chazal, comments that this teaches us that they were both equal. This does not mean that they were the same, however, since no two people are identical. When we say that two people are equal, that means in their sum-total. This can be illustrated by the following example. Two students take a ten-question test, in which each question is worth ten points, and both score fifty. One answered only five questions, but answered them perfectly. The other answers every question, but only gets half credit for each. There scores are equal; they both got fifty. However, they are not the same; they know different things. One is probably bright, but might be lazy and studied only half of the topics, while the other is may be more conscientious but less capable. They are equal, but not the same.

Moshe and Aharon were equal in their overall value, but they were not the same. One had what the other was lacking, and vice versa. Moshe primarily received the prophecies, and excelled in this area, as it says, "Never again has there arisen in Israel a prophet like Moshe." (Devarim 34:10) Aharon's expertise, on the other hand, was in talking, which was the whole reason he was brought in. Ironically, when the Torah refers to talking -- Moshe is mentioned first, and when the Torah mentions prophecy -- Aharon is mentioned first, defying logic. This is to teach us a lesson, that for a partnership to work -- give credit to the other person, not to yourself. By failure a person should look at himself, and by success a person should look at the contribution of others -- even when the credit doesn't belong only to them. Usually, when a team wins, each member focuses on his own positive contribution to the victory (DESPITE the various shortcomings of his teammates). But it should be just the opposite! Aharon complimented Moshe that without his assistance his talking would be of no avail, and Moshe complimented Aharon that the prophecy would not be achieved without his help.

Thinking about the other person is what makes a relationship work. This is a very important principle for shalom bayit, because tension does occur in any relationship. Yet, one does not need to be scared of it. One just has to learn how to deal properly with tension, with the goal of improving the relationship.

But it is valid to ask, why should a person always look down at himself? If there is a failure - it's my fault; if there is a success - it's not due to me! Neither extreme, taking fulll blame or full credit, seems fair. To clarify our point, we have to realize that in almost all cases neither person is 100% responsible for the success or the failure. Both contributed something, though not necessarily to the same degree. "You need two to fight." In a situation of failure, even if the other person is mostly guilty, what does it help to yell at the person? Nothing will come out of it, because you will be yelled back at in return, and, to some extent, both are right. But, if you want to FIX the situation, focus instead on your contribution to the failure, however minute it might be, and criticize yourself instead for that part. This self-criticism will be less hurting and will prevent the other person from criticizing you. It will also cause the other party to acknowledge and to admit his part in the failure. If you admit your 30% -- he'll admit his 70%. The opposite is true by success. Be realistic; realize that success is due to the efforts of the entire team, and give the other individual credit for his share. Then he'll have to speak about the good that you did, which is always better than self-praise.

We see this idea reflected also in Hashem's relationship with people. Bnei Yisrael had to put the blood of the Korban Pesach on their doorposts and lintels. In one pasuk (Shemot 12:7) the doorposts are mentioned first, and in another (12:22) the lintel is. Why did the Torah reverse the order? The Torah here is demonstrating this principle to us. Who was responsible for the redemption from Egypt, G-d or Moshe and Aharon? The objective truth is that both played a role -- G-d redeemed Bnei Yisrael through the agency of Moshe and Aharon. Symbolically, the lintel, which is higher up and unique, represents Hashem, while the doorposts, which are lower and two, represent Moshe and Aharon. When Hashem speaks to Moshe, He mentions the doorposts first to give the credit to Moshe and Aharon. The opposite is true when Moshe speaks to Bnei Yisrael; he mentions the lintel fist to give the credit to Hashem. Each gave credit to the other!

Similarly, when Man was created, G-d says, "Let us make man." (Bereishit 1:26) "Us," according to Rashi, is to teach a lesson in modesty, that one should always consult with others, even if they are lower than he.

Humility is also important for a person to have in a relationship. After G-d sends Moshe to take Bnei Yisrael out of Egypt, it says (Shemot 3:11-12):

Moshe replied to G-d, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and that I should take Bnei Yisrael out of Egypt?" Hashem answered Moshe, "For I shall be with you -- and THIS is your sign that I have sent you: When you take the people out of Egypt, you will serve G-d on this mountain."

The simple meaning of the psukim is that the fact that Bnei Yisrael will serve Hashem on the mountain is the sign that He had sent Moshe. This does not make sense, though, since Bnei Yisrael did not come to Har Sinai until a year later, so how could it serve as a sign to reassure Moshe now? Rashi explains that, "When you take..." was not meant as a sign to reassure Moshe, but rather it is the merit and purpose for taking Bnei Yisrael out. Others explain that Moshe had asked Hashem, "Who am I to take Bnei Yisrael out?" To this G-d responded, "This" - the fact that you are modest -- is the sign and the reason that you were elected to take Bnei Yisrael out.

This point can be illustrated by the following story. A Chasidic Rebbe died, leaving two sons, both of whom were equally capable in knowledge, Chasidut and piety. All of his chasidim, however, flocked to only one of the two sons. The son who didn't have followers went to his brother and asked him, "Why people didn't come to me, after all we are both the rebbe's sons and equally worthy?" The other son responded that he, too, was troubled with this question, and was also wondering, "Who am I that they should all come to me?" The two sons went and asked a gadol what the reason was. The gadol said that the reason was found inherent in their questions. The son who had the modesty to ask, "Who am I?" had the greatness and other qualities necessary for being a leader. The one who felt that he deserved to be the leader -- no one followed, because they did not see greatness in his character

This idea provides a new outlook on the trait of modesty. Modesty does not imply a sense of broken spirit and meekness that causes one to be miserable, as many people mistakenly think. Just the opposite - "Ha'oz veha'anavah lechai olamim - The might and the modesty belong to the Eternal!" Might and modesty go together. Chazal say: Those who are mocked, but do not mock in return; who hear this disgrace, but do not respond - about them it says, "Like the powerfully rising sun." (Shabbat 88b) The truly modest person is mighty in character, "Who is the truly mighty? He who conquers his inclination." (Avot 4:1)

True modesty should lead a person to feel good about himself, and draw others to him. Moshe was a great leader, and that leadership was an outcome of his humility. Precisely because he asked, "Who am I?" he was chosen for greatness, just as Har Sinai was chosen because of its modesty. A person with realistic and healthy self-confidence and self-esteem can examine his own mistakes and correct them, nor does he need to claim the credit for his successes. A person who is able to admit his contribution to failure and to acknowledge other people's contribution to success is a true leader and will bring to peace between people.